Cataclysm
by Medicinal Biscuit
Summary: When Deidara does pretty much the stupidest thing immaginable, he and Hidan have to work together through impossible circumstances to save both their butts. CRACK! LANGUAGE! Non-Yaoi.
1. The Calm Before the Storm

**Preface: Since my last two Hidan and Deidara fics seemed to make an impression, I decided to expand and make one with a different idea of teamwork behind it. Plus this time I'm using dry humor instead of crack humor, so it'll be pretty different. Oh, and I'm not trying to bash the characters; it just accentuates the irony if I'm really sarcastic.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto**

**Warnings/About: I'd rate this between a T and an M mainly because of STRONG! Language, obviously. Sarcasm is definitely used here. This is Non-yaoi (I'll do one soon, I promise).Oh, and OOC-ness is a possibility. Hope you enjoy!**

**Cataclysm**

**Chapter I**

**The Clam Before the Storm**

**XxXxX**

_The calm before the storm._

_Looking back to a few days ago, that's what Hidan thought of that lazy afternoon spent skewering himself like the little silver-haired shrimp he was. It had been pleasant, as always, lying half-submersed in his own blood; reveling in that surcease of worldly concerns; his life force being steadily pumped out of him, making him feel closer to the Divine. He never wanted to get up. And in retrospect, he never should have. It would have saved him a LOT of stress._

**XxXxX**

It all started when that little blonde bombshell came thundering down the halls like the Angel of Death; effectively shattering the serene atmosphere of the afternoon. Deidara tore around corners, upsetting many a potted plant in his furor. Finally, he reached his destination, and all but ripped the door from its hinges as he screamed in terror,

"HIIIDAAAAAN!"

The immortal casually cracked one violet eye open, and looked up at the distraught blonde from his position on the floor; too relaxed to even be profane.

"Hmm?"

"Th-this is a-a disaster-no, it's worse than that-it's a catastrophe..a-a-a-A CATACLYSM!" Deidara was so pumped up from whatever it was, he was stuttering.

"Well, what the fuck is it, blondie?" Hidan said, tone still mild.

"I...I..." Deidara's eyelids flickered closed and he sunk to the floor as his knees gave out-sweat cascading down his face, "I...Kakuzu's safe...in the bathroo-" He let out a dry sob.

Hidan could almost feel all the blood drain from his face and join the madly gushing tributaries flowing out of his chest, as his heart began a crazed drumroll.

"You. _Didn't." _

Deidara flinched at Hidan's frigid tone; stuttering becoming more pronounced, "I-i-i-it's not what you th-think! I was going in his room to borrow a towel. Whe-when I walked into the ba-bathroom, I bumped into a glass of orange juice on the counter, and knocked it over. Some of the papers on top of the safe got wet, and it would have been sticky..."

The blonde gulped and continued, gaining steam.

"So I went back to my room quickly, and grabbed a spray bottle that I _thought _was full of multi-surface cleaning solution..."

Hidan felt his stomach drop, as cold, raw panic infiltrated his system.

"And...what...was it?"

Deidara squeezed his eyes shut tight, as if to block out Hidan's reaction, and in a barley audible voice whispered the word of the day.

"_Acid"_

Hidan was apoplectic.

" WHAT THE FUCKING HELL WERE YOU THINKING, YOU ABSOLUTE NINCOMPOOP!"

"IT'S NOT MY FAAAULT!" Deidara wailed, "Sasori-no-Danna never marked his bottles, and really, you shouldn't leave juice sitting around!"

"IT WASN'T MY FUCKING JUICE!!" Hidan's violet eyes were popping out of his finely-featured head, as he stood up and wrenched his pike from his torso with a sickening scraping sound. " Pulp is a bitch on my digestion. I NEVER drink orange juice, it must have belonged to my money-whore of a partner!"

"His greatest love...destroyed by his own juice. Oh, the irony!" Deidara solemnly stated.

Hidan slapped him across the face.

"PULL IT TOGETHER, BLONDIE! When will Kakuzu be back?"

Deidara rubbed his cheek, and, obeying the immortal, answered.

"In about ten minutes...oh man, what the hell are we gonna do?"

"What's this 'we' I'm hearing? It was your fault! _YOU'RE_ gonna go ask Zetsu what to do._ I_ want no part in this."

"F-fine. But if he comes back early..." Deidara said

"I don't EVEN wanna think about that. " Hidan said, panic rising. "I'm gonna go check this out for myself, and by the time i get back here in exactly two minutes you better have a way outta this, or it'll mean _your _ass. Now Go!" He grabbed the blonde by the shoulders, spun him around, and smacked his tushie for emphasis.

**XxXxX**

Hidan practically flew to Kakuzu's room to inspect the damage for himself. Upon arriving, he found that the safe was indeed no more than a puddle- and a slightly citrus-y smelling one at that.

"Ohhh...that damn brat's done it now..." Hidan grumbled. He backed cautiously out of the bathroom, and then in turn out of the bedroom, and was just closing the door as cautiously as humanely possible, when,

"Hidan?"

The immortal paled, he would know that voice anywhere.

"Oh...Shit."

**XxXxX**

**TBC**

**Well, there ya have it. I was originally gonna make this a one-shot, but then I thought, hey, what the heck? I was planning on doing another chapter story anyways, so I might as well do this as a little three-chapter one. Next chapter will be up in a week at the **


	2. That's What It's All About

**Notes: Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, SORRY! I really have no excuse. I've been working on my first ever BIG fic. It's pretty exciting, so this kinda got shunted over to the back-burner if ya know what I mean. (I'm not even sure I used that expression right ') So, anyways, here it is! Oh, and I've given up and made it a crack fic. Enjoy!**

**'Thoughts'**

**"Speaking" but then that's pretty standard.**

**Zetsu's black side is in BOLD**

**Same warnings and Disclaimers apply.**

**Cataclysm**

**Chapter II**

**That's What It's All About**

**XxXxX**

"Kaaakuzu...hey. Good to see ya, how're you feeling?" Hidan put on his biggest, fakest, cheesiest grin and approached his partner.

"Hidan," he said, "Since when do you care?"

The immortal's grin didn't falter for a minute, as he laughed mirthlessly, his mind running frantically all the while.

'DAMNIT! Why is this happening to ME? This is all Deidara's fault! Oh well, fortunately for me I have my wit, charm, good looks, and top-notch acting skills. I think I should be able to stall him.'

"Hidan?" Kakuzu's voice startled his partner out of his egotistical thoughts.

"Yeah?"

"Why are you standing outside of my room spacing out?"

"I don't know what the fuck you're talking about," Hidan lied.

"Uh Huh." Kakuzu was not buying it. "So tell me, why're you trying to stall me?"

Hidan's eyes widened infinitesimally.

"I'm not trying to stall you...Say..would you like to see a magic trick?"

**XxXxX**

**Meanwhile in Zetsu's Room!**

**XxXxX**

"So what do I DO?!?!" Deidara yelled desperately, hands tangled in the front of Zetsu's robes. The plant man calmly reached up and loosened Deidara's death grip on his clothing.

"Listen carefully, I'm only going to help you because if you destroyed Kakuzu's safe, it will mean doom upon us all. **It doesn't mean I hate you any less.**"

Deidara looked up at him with wide, sparkling blue eyes and nodded slowly.

"So here's what you do: you make a replacement of the safe out of clay. **Even and idiot like you can manage that, right?**"

Another nod.

"Good. Then you replace the copy, and you tell Kakuzu that Tobi thought the key was candy and he accidentally fed it to Kisame's fish."

Deidara stared at him incredulously.

"D'you honestly think someone as shrewd as Kakuzu would buy a stupid story like that..un??"

Zetsu snorted.

"Of course not, that's just to buy us some time before I think of our real plan. **Besides, this idea's gotta be better than whatever shit that silver-haired zealot is pulling outa his ass right now."**

"Un? What do you mean...?"

"Oh, did you not notice? Kakuzu's been back for about four minutes now."

Deidara's eyes went wide, and he ran out of the room screaming,

"SHIIT!!"

**XxXxX**

**Back With Hidan and Kakuzu!**

**XxXxX**

"Is this your card?"

Hidan held up the three of clubs for the third time.

"No," Kakuzu said impatiently.

"Is this it?"

Hidan held up the five of hearts.

"For the last time, NO! We've been through the entire deck two and a half times. My card's the ace of diamonds, the ONLY ONE you haven't shown me."

Hidan laughed, and pulled back the elastic on Kakuzu's goggles.

"Of course not, ya fuckwit! That's cause it was under your goggles the whole time! Ta DA!" He announced, producing the card with a flourish.

"You're full of it, " Kakuzu dead-panned. Just as he was about to walk past Hidan into his room, Deidara appeared, red-faced right behind a potted plant. After skidding to a stop, he began to gesticulated wildly in Hidan's direction, hell-bent on conveying that he had a plan.

Hidan nodded frantically back, unaware that Kakuzu was watching him with narrowed eyes. Just as the miser turned around, Deidara withdrew himself behind the potted plant.

"Hidan, were you just nodding to a plant?"

"Uhh, no! I was just thinkin it would be a helluva time if we played charades! I'll go first," he said, winking in Deidara's direction. The blonde immediately caught on.

"Fine," Kakuzu said dully, figuring he would waste less time just going along with his crazed partner, than he would if he tried to fight him.

"I'll do a traditional dance, and you try to guess what village it's from. You're a pretty well-traveled fucker, so it should be a damn good time!"

"Fine," came the same dull answer.

Hidan started dancing randomly while Deidara took the hint, and began to explain Zetsu's plan using only gestures and mouthing the words.

The blonde held up his hand and allowed the mouth to open, and then mimed building another safe before mouthing silently, 'BUILD A REPLICA'

Hidan nodded and kept dancing.

Deidara then covered his face with his hands leaving one eye exposed and started skipping stupidly in place. He then pointed to Kakuzu and mouthed 'TELL HIM THAT TOBI'

Hidan nodded again, then jumped and spun around in the air.

The blonde pulled his room key out of his pocket, and mimed eating it, before quickly stuffing it back in. He then waved his arms around like he was slicing something. Pursing his lips like a fish and pretending to swim in place, he mouthed the final part of his message, 'FED THE KEY TO KISAME'S FISH'

Hidan winked at him, and Deidara ran off to his room to sculpt the replica safe. Ending his dance with a dramatic flourish, the immortal asked,

"So?"

Kakuzu just stared at him.

"I don't know what's wrong with you, but I need to get into my room now."

"NO! uh..no. heh heh, wait, I still have one more dance to show you."

**XxXxX**

**A Few Yards Away on the Living Room Couch!**

**XxXxX**

"What do you think it all means, Itachi-san?"

The Uchiha narrowed his eyes, and stared harder at the dancing terrorists.

"Hn. Perhaps it is a side-affect to one of Sasori's poisons. I saw Deidara take some out of Sasori's room earlier this afternoon."

Kisame shuddered.

"That sick bastard! It would just like him to make some sorta crazy-ass potion that makes you make a complete ass of yourself before you die painfully."

"Kisame-kun!" Itachi said sharply, "Do not speak ill of the dead. It's bad luck."

Kisame gave his partner an incredulous look, thinking, 'He would know...' before courteously supplying his own opinion.

"Well I think they're having a dance-off."

Now it was Itachi's turn to look incredulous.

"I wonder about you sometimes, Kisame-kun. Most likely they are trying to distract Kakuzu."

"I'll take you up on that!" Kisame said, slamming a quarter on the table. He was really quite confident in his dance-off idea.

"You're on," said Itachi, adding his own quarter.

The two assassins watched in silence for a few more minutes, until Kisame looked faintly nauseated.

"I don't know what they're doing, but it sure as hell _is_ distracing...Hey, pass the popcorn."

The Uchiha wordlessly held out the popcorn bowl, and the two munched on in wordless amazement at the peculiarities of their coworkers.

**XxXxX**

**Back With Hidan and Kakuzu!**

**XxXxX**

"..And you turn yourself around! That's what it's all about!" Hidan sang, completing his dance.

"The hokey pokey, Hidan?" Kakuzu asked slowly.

The immortal nodded.

"I can count the things in this world that I find frightening on one hand, Hidan. That was one of them."

"Don't be fucking ridiculous, Kakuzu, what would really be scary is if the hokey pokey really _is_ what it's all about!"

And Kakuzu just shook his head in wonderment.

**XxXX**

**Will Hidan and Deidara manage to pull it off before Hidan drives Kakuzu crazy? Will Kakuzu even be fooled? Who will win the bet, Itachi and Kisame?**

**Find out in the next and last chapter of 'Cataclysm' Which will be out on SATURDAY!**

**Thank you for your patience, and once again SORRY!**


	3. Doomsday Come Early

**Notes: Hahaha! If my computer cooperates, it seems I'll actually have this in on time, for once. I probably just jinxed it, but oh well. Anyways, I wrote this while listening to Die Mannequin's 'Donut Kill Self', 'Freak on a Leash' by Korn, and Showtunes from 'My Fair Lady', so it's sure to be interesting. I tried to make it funny, while not making it too crazy or too stupid, but what I'm most worried about is it being anti-climactic. I really hope you like it!**

**Same Warnings and Disclaimers apply**

**Cataclysm**

**Chapter III**

**Doomsday Come Early**

**XxXxX**

"_Enough!"_ said Kakuzu in a terrifying voice.

Hidan flinched, and took a step back from his trembling parter. Apparently, the hokey pokey was where Kakuzu drew the line. He made a mental note to remember that.

"I've put up with your _shit_ for the past twenty three and a half minutes. You're _wasting_ my life, and I'm not going to stand for it any longer."

Hidan was on the verge of telling him that it had actually been twenty _five_ minutes, but figured that at this point, his best chances of escaping with all of his limbs lay with keeping silent.

"Now, I am going to go into my room now, and not you, or anybody else is going to stop me," hissed Kakuzu icily, putting a firm hand on his partner's chest so as to push past him. He had only taken but a step, when, with a violent gasp, he jumped , both hands flying to his bottom. Apparently, Kakuzu hadn't accounted for the elements of Nature.

Hidan peered cautiously around his partner, only to find that a hole appeared to have been poked in the wall, and a rather forceful jet of water shot out, conveniently shooting Kakuzu right in the butt. Hidan thanked Jashin, hardly daring to believe his luck. But then as Kakuzu muttered murderously under his breath and went to pound on the door of the room across the hall from which the leak had sprung, Hidan was struck with the sudden thought that maybe it hadn't been a coincidence.

**XxXxX**

**Five Minutes Earlier in Tobi's Room!**

**XxXxX**

"Like this, Zetsu-san?" asked Tobi eagerly, as he positioned the drill in place.

"Perfect," the other replied flatly, "Start drilling"

Tobi saluted, and turned on the power drill with a demonic glee in his one visible eye. Just as Zetsu was beginning to doubt his judgement on the issue of Tobi and power tools, Deidara interrupted his train of thought,

"I just finished the replica, un," he said breathlessly, holding up a plausible copy of the safe. "How's Hidan holding up, un?"

"Not so good, **That bastard's about ready to eat his face off," **Zetsu replied, his expression grim, "We had to pull this little stunt to buy us more time." He pointed a green hand at Tobi and the drill.

"So now you reckon he's gonna come in here demanding to know what happened to the wall, un?"

**"No shit, blondie, **and when he does, it'll give you the exact chance you need to swap the safes."

Zetsu's words were prophetic; he had no sooner finished speaking, when an urgent pounding filled the room. Thinking quickly, Zetsu slammed the door to the bathroom shut, leaving the blonde trapped with Tobi. He calmly made his way to the door, and opened it, revealing an apoplectic Kakuzu.

"May I help you?" Zetsu asked conversationally.

"Yeah, you seem to have sprung a leak, care to tell me what happened?" Kakuzu said through clenched teeth, a vein throbbing visibly in his temple.

"Ah yes, **the damn pipes are rusty. It's probably your fault for being too cheap to pay for a decent plumber. **If you'll follow me this way.**" **Zetsu stepped aside allowing Kakuzu to enter his room, and then walked over to the closet. He opened the door casually, and pointed inside. "If I may direct your attention to he source of the problem?" He asked dryly. They both stood still and silent, peering into the dark depths of the closet.

Seizing his chance, Deidara, who had been watching the whole thing from behind the bathroom door, grabbed Tobi and ran as fast and as quietly as he could out of the room; the replacement safe under one arm, and Tobi under the other.

After another ten seconds had passed, Kakuzu looked to Zetsu and said, "This is the closet..."

To which Zetsu replied, "Ah, of course," as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, and led Kakuzu to the real bathroom as though nothing had happened.

**XxXxX**

**Back in the Hall Outside Kakuzu's Room!**

**XxXxX**

Deidara triumphantly burst out into the hall, panting with relief. He set Tobi down, who immediately skipped off in the opposite direction. Turning to Hidan, and disregarding the immortal's questioning stares, the blonde held up the replacement safe, and motioned to the door. Without another word, both Akatsuki members ran into the room, and feverishly set to work. Deidara replaced the safe, as Hidan checked his hair in the mirror. Silently rejoicing at their success, the two partners in crime made their way out of the room; they were just closing the door behind them, when they were met with a most unlikely sight.

**XxXxX**

**Three Minutes Earlier in the Kitchen!**

**XxXxX**

"Hn. We also seem to have a shortage of lettuce, Kisame-kun. Be sure to put that on the list."

Uchiha Itachi gazed solemnly into the refrigerator, frowning at the distinct lack of food, as his parter stood behind him with a notepad and pencil.

"Ah, is that it, Itachi-san?" Kisame asked hesitantly.

"It appears to be. Just give me a chance to move this honey roasted ham, and the weekly inspection will be complete."

Kisame released a relieved sigh. Every week they went through the same thing: Itachi took it upon himself to 'inspect' the refrigerator meticulously for any signs of mold, mildew, lack of food, or any other 'transgression'. Kisame was always obliged to keep accurate notes in the 'log'. The whole process was quite tedious, and had been known to take over an hour and a half, but Kisame had learned to manage. This was just another one of the Uchiha prodigy's many quirks.

Itachi, meanwhile, had moved the ham, and was now gasping in delight.

"Look at this delicious treat someone has so foolishly allowed to go to waste, Kisame-kun," Itachi said blandly, as he held up a large slice of chocolate cake. Kisame almost rolled his eyes. "We shall make their misfortune our benefit. I'll grab the forks. Come, Kisame-kun." Itachi drifted vaguely to the silverware drawer, followed by a throughly exasperated Kisame. Both men then exited the kitchen, and were walking briskly down the hallway, reviewing the notes, when Hidan and Deidara emerged from Kakuzu's room- faces shining with glee.

**XxXxX**

All four terrorists stared blankly at each other, until the awkward atmosphere was broken by Itachi.

"Ah, Hidan-san, Deidara-kun, I believe I have a bone to pick with you."

The two in question shot confused looks at one another.

"Earlier this afternoon, when you were dancing, what were you doing?"

Deidara faltered, "Well, un," but he didn't get much further than that, because right at that very second, the door to Zetsu's room burst open, and a drenched and seething Kakuzu emerged- literally as mad as a wet hen.

"What. The. Hell?!!?" He demanded, staring from Hidan's cheesy grin, to Deidara's doom-laden expression, to Kisame's barely controlled laughter, to Itachi and his cake. A quiet click cut through the tense quiet, as Zetsu gently shut his door behind him, appearing behind Kakuzu. Far off in the distance, Tobi squealed.

"I get home, and all I want to do is just go to bed, but instead I get treated to Hidan's Comedy Hour, and then, when I get fed up with _that_, I'm forced to fix a pipe, that looked like it had had a hole drilled into it!" Sensing weakness, he rounded on Deidara, splattering the shaking blonde with water and saliva as he screamed,

"WHAT IS GOING ON?!?"

The terrorist flinched, and pointed mutely to the door.

Kakuzu rushed into his room, and then, finding nothing wrong, straight into the bathroom. The other five waited with bated breath outside in the hallway, jumping as a dramatic gasp penetrated the walls, but then, to the amazement of everyone, Kakuzu started laughing.

The Akatsuki members stared incredulously at each other, excluding Itachi who happily took a bite of his cake. Kakuzu emerged, still chortling, and said,

"So _that's_ what this was all about? You all thought you destroyed my safe?" He looked smug for some inexplicable reason.

_"Thought?"_ asked Deidara nervously.

Kakuzu snorted. "As if I would actually keep my safe with all my money in it right on the bathroom counter. I mean think about it, does that really make sense? Wow, this explains it all: from the magic tricks to the dancing. You were trying to stall me, weren't you?" Kakuzu's amusement seemed to be growing with every passing minute.

Itachi held out his hand expectantly.

"I believe you owe me twenty five cents, Kisame-kun."

Kisame pouted, but forked it over. He had been _so sure_ it was a dance off.

"So you mean we went to all that trouble...for _nothing_?" Deidara asked laughing nervously.

Kakuzu nodded, by now bent over double he was laughing so hard at the looks on the terrorist's faces. Deidara looked as if he was trying to hold in a sneeze, whereas Hidan's face was a strange mixture of green from nausea, and magenta from barely suppressed rage. Everyone recognized that look as the one Hidan always wore right as he was about to explode into a zinging string of profanities that would leave one's ears bleeding. This time, however, things did not go as expected.

With a wild cry, Hidan lunged himself, not at Kakuzu, but Itachi. The reason for this was made clear, as he wrenched the fork from the Uchiha's mouth, and threw himself at Kakuzu; aiming for the jugular, with a scream of,

"DIE HEATHEN SADIIIIIIIIIIIIST!"

Still chuckling Kakuzu stepped smartly out of the way and into the his room, locking the door behind him.

Hidan whirled around, searching for a new victim on whom he could unleash his blind fury. At that time, the pipe in the opposite wall burst, gushing torrents of water onto the murderous immortal. Spluttering and choking, Hidan failed to notice the steely glint in Itachi's red eyes. The Uchiha looked down at his soiled front with an expression of silent rage. Handing his cake to his partner, he said,

"Kisame-kun, if you will..."

And watched with no small satisfaction as the mist nin ground the cake into Hidan's pallid face. The two then exited the scene, both sporting looks of smug satisfaction- Kisame 'accidentally' knocking the potted plant into the fray on his way down the hall.

**XxXxX**

And so it was, almost eight minutes later, that Hidan found himself alone in the deserted but ruined hallway, sopping wet and covered in cake and dirt. Glumly picking a leaf out of his hair, Hidan meditated on the fact that this whole thing really _had_ been that stupid blonde's fault...But somehow, he _always_ got the short end of the stick.

**XxXxX**

**FIN**

**Notes: hope the ending was satisfactory for everyone...I tried. I hope the scene switches made sense to everyone...please tell me what you think!**

**Much love-**

**BISCUIT.**


End file.
